The Crazy Assassin
by Iyrsiiea
Summary: Previously known as "Politics" This is a few short fics about Altair doing all the things you wish you could do.
1. Politics

Politics

Politics

Altair sat on a ledge rather high above a plaza in Damascus wondering why he was there. There was nothing going on, nothing of importance. He should be looking for information on his target, but for reasons unknown he felt the need to perch himself precariously above this particular plaza. Down below him a town crier was ranting and raving about the Crusades, in particular about how it was all ignorance and madness.

Altair wasn't one for politics or religion. He was an assassin. The Crusades seemed to him nothing more than the petty squabbles of power-hungry men. But he couldn't help being riled by the man's words. The man was spewing idiocy, and it was even worse that he continuously repeated his sermons over and over.

"They call it a Crusade." He groaned inwardly. He hated this part. "A Crusade for what?"

Suddenly, Altair was hit with inspiration. He didn't care that it was incredibly weird, or that his actions would have dire consequences. He only knew that it was the most brilliant idea ever.

"Ignorance?" _Come on, come on… _"Violence?" _Almost there…_ "Madness!"

And with that, Altair leapt off of his perch and into the air to land in front of the man. Then, with a mighty roar, he yelled, "Madness? THIS IS SPARTA!!" and stabbed the guy in the gut with his hidden blade.

With the blood of the crier on his blade, he turned 'round to look at the dazed crowd and yelled, "LEROY JENKINS!!" and with that, he sped away down an alley, cackling madly…


	2. Beggar Problems

Beggar Problems

Altair was walking down a street in Acre, observing the drab people walking by to their dull gray stone houses, all the while muttering about the monotonous cloudy sky.

_The people of Acre seem very fond of gray for some reason…_ Altair thought randomly.

He didn't care. It was their life. If they wanted to be boring and dull, it wasn't any of his business. But as an assassin, it was in his nature to be aware of his surroundings, and Acre was very drab.

_Too_ drab.

Altair was feeling… odd. He hadn't felt like this since what he had dubbed 'The Damascus Incident' after he came to his senses.

He was feeling the need to do something crazy.

The troubled assassin paused in the middle of the street to try and recollect himself. Al Mualim had been very… unhappy with him after what had occurred in Damascus, and he had no wish to incur the Master's wrath again.

His backside had stung for _days._

But the urge was getting stronger. He could probably hold it in, but if anything happened…

…and then something happened. Namely, a beggar came up to him and stared doing, what else, begging.

And then another, and another… and soon poor Altair had his own little posse of beggars.

The urge won.

The white-robed man suddenly drew his sword, jumped out of the crowd onto a slightly raised platform, and then when he had everyone's attention he proceeded to yell at the top of his voice:

"I AM SICK OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING BEGGARS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING STREET!!!"

Then, he began to slaughter everyone, laughing like a madman the entire time.

Poor Altair was going nuts.


	3. Mr Bear lies

Mr. Bear lies

Altair was expertly roof-hopping in Jerusalem. He was hunting down information on his target, a cetain large Merchant king. He had found one of his fellow assassins earlier and for the collection of some flags he gained some useful intellegence, but that was not enough.

_Why did I have to get those flags for that asshole again? He should just give me the info, why should I work for it? Haven't I already proven myself to at least not be a traitor?_

_Oh wait, there was that incident… and the thing with the beggars…_

It wasn't just Al Mualim that had been displeased after the massacre in Acre. All of the Creed had been pissed off with him since then. Something about tarnishing the Assassin's repuation and people not respecting them anymore. Altair had not been in control at that time, couldn't they see that?

The white blobish assassin's thoughts halted when he heard a crier to the northeast. He seemed to be preaching about how great the Merchant king was.

_Target locked._

_Wait… what?_

After a second's contemplation, he shrugged it off and jumped into a nearby hay bale to incospicuously get to ground level. Shaking off sray bits of hay, he waited until dusk for the crier to start heading home, then he followed him to an alleyway. The despot was humming some inane tune. It was grating on his nerves, making him all twitchy. He felt like… like…

_Oh crap. Not again!_

Altair tried his damnedest to stifle the crazy feeling whilst simutanously beating the shit out of the despot and listening to him whining. His damnedest failed when the despot cried, "I don't fucking know anything else! I don't know anything about the Merchant king!"

Altair, who had valiantly been fighting off the craziness up until then, started shouting,"WELL FUCK YOU MR. BEAR! YOU SPEAK LIES! LIIEES! STUFFED WITH PURE VENOM YOU VILE, LINT INFESTED BASTARD!*"

The despot became incresingly confused and scared, only to feel extreme pain when the assassin hosted him up by his collar, pinned him against the wall, pulled out a twisted knife that had previously not been anywhere on his body and began stabbing him in the stomache with it. He was then dropped on the ground to bleed to death while the white-robed man laughed insanely.

A few moments later, Altair came to himself.

_Son of a bitch. Well, at least no one saw me._

He was proven wrong not a second later when the informant he'd talked to earlier started cussing him out for wasting a perfectly good sorce of information.

*For those who do not know, this is a quote from 'Johnny the Homicidal Maniac' Issue #1 PU


	4. Barney and Death

Barney and Death

Altair had been confined to Maysaf since the 'Mr. Bear' thing.

Within a few days, he had an armed escort. Apparently he had taken to singing a most hideous song which when much like: "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family…" in the market square and decapitated anyone who tried to shut him up.

A day later he was prohibited from leaving the castle, seeing as he had mistaken the purpose of the guards, calling them his 'hoes' and had been attempting to 'offer their services' to random women AND men.

One hour ago, he was locked up in a cell. After having issued the order for the insane assassin to be kept inside the fortress, Al Mualim found himself being followed everywhere by said assassin who was constantly singing 'The Song that Never Ends'. Needless to say, he was very unhappy.

Now Altair was banging his head against the wall, begging for Desmond to STFU!!!!!

Oh yes, he had not soon after the 'Bear' thing discovered the reason for his behavior: His annoying, crazy descendant in the future. He absolutely hated how he was being used as a puppet for his Allah-knows-how-many-greats grandson's amusement, but he could not bring himself to fight it.

Desmond was dying.

Whatever thing was allowing him to see Altair's memories was malfunctioning, causing rifts in time. A somewhat positive side-effect was the ability to manipulate certain things, insofar as they didn't halt the passing of heredity and didn't affect history too much. The bad part: Desmond was trapped in the … whatever it was called thing. And he was slowly dying. Altair had no desire to deprive him of his fun, so he allowed moderate access to his actions.

But this was just ridiculous. He was LOCKED IN A CAGE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

"Desssmooond! Just give it a rest all-fucking-ready!!!"

"But I'm bored! And hungry! Oh, I know, eat something! At least I'll experience it."

"Gah. Fine. One question though."

"What?"

"What was that one song? The "I love you, you lov-"

"Stop! You really, REALLY don't want to know."

"I really, REALLY do."

*sigh* "A large, plushie purple dinosaur called Barney likes to sing it in a show involving kids and learning."

Desmond sent Altair corresponding images and sounds. He was silent the rest of the day.


End file.
